Brain's Lesson
by Eogrus
Summary: Brain refuses to indulge in emotional gratification in lieu of intellectual pursuits. Where will that lead him?


It was a normal day in Elwood. The sky was semi-cloudy, but the weather was warm and ejoyable to go outside. Lots of birds and squirrels celebrated the Spring happily in a chirpful flamenco of passions and hopes for a better future, which Brain much apreciated.

"What a fascinating natural world of aristotelian wonderous and lucidity evidence of inherent fatalism" said the wise bear with much wisdom, as he drank watermelon juice.

"Hey Brain, wanna play videos games?" offered Buster with much sincerity of adoration ages of despise.

"Nay, I feel like studying a passionate display of Gaea's ever mutable natural biomes and lascivous amniota tetrapoda" answered Brain with much passione and love of knowledge.

But simple minded Buster could not help but to not comprehend Brain's proffound eloquence, so he simply was amazed at his big and amazing words.

"Grrr, I meant that I want to watch squirrels and birds!"

"Oh, okay."

So Buster went to waste his pitiful obnoxyous life on trivial matters and instantaneous self-gratification. Brain sighed, how alone he was in this miserable town, where all the other seventh graders only were interested in consoles and playing Subeta games on the phone and doing drugs and fuck putrid mouldy slut whores with the breasts full of cysts and AIDS. Had they all lost the passion of living, had they all lost life's grander ambitions? Not even hateful goals like money or power remained, all they wanted was pleasure and toil, they did not desire to prolong their existence into this world. This made him feel very depressed, so he smoked a joint.

"Hey, I know someone who can help you!" said an evil, greazy devil voice.

"Who said that?" asked Brain, his vision was turving because of the fumes.

His intuition told him to look down, and almost disbelieved it! One of the birds, a duck, was talking to him!

"B-but how! Ducks cannot engage in verbal communication."

"Yes Brain, but you in your boundless superiority complex ego have greatly underestimated the capacities of others! Anseriformes have a greatly specialised nidopallium complex, ergo we can communicate telekinetically by rearranging your brain chemical reactions in order for you to understand us!"

"Oh, I can clearly now! In my hubris and arrogance I have forgotten what it means to be a REAL scientist, to be humble before nature's unforgiving might!"

"That is alright, Brain. All you need to do is cope with me. I shall lead you to a great gathering, where brilliant minds like yours converse in perfect harmonic convergence, where the light is always right and the darkness of ignorance and pestilence withers like a lover's burnt heart before the might of Helios' mighty gaze."

So Brain followed the duck, they went down the street. But they were being watched by a most hateful antagonist... MUFFY! Yes, Muffy became corrupt and started selling crystals in order to increase her power and influence over the populace, but Brain's scientific methods refute her snakeoil medical dealership. Now, she must kill him in order to suceed! She prepares her attire, she infuses blades with noxious poison fluids and slimy elephant arses, she is going after a bear to SKIN!

Anyways, Brain and the duck reached their destination. In the Central Park, the lakes stopped being cleaned, so they became clustered with vomited bread. Now, they're a thick, putrid swamp land full of dark fog, the ground and waters covered by black oil, the trees all dead without leaves and their branches clawing at the sky in a frozen expression of terror and horror. The local wildlife was either mutated into horrid abominations, or replaced by the undead.

"Wow, I never knew there was a place like this!" said Brain fascinated, drenching in shoes with the oil.

"Indeed, this is the very visage of perfection, soon to spread over all the provinces of the earth... Oh, here are the others!"

The black water bubbled, and from it came a spiral of black flames that opened a portal to hell, the blackness emanating forth like an event horizon, fouls shadowy demons and shades coming to kill the elderly and violate dogs' hateful butts. From it came... NIGEL RATBURN! He was wearing black clothes and had evil purple shadow and rotten, mouldy teeth to show that he was evil and ate unreasonable doses of sugar.

"Professor!?" asked Brain surprisedly, he did not consider Nigel his intellectual equal.

"Yes, Brain, your arrogance has made you the architect of your own pitiful fate! You murdered me, you had me assassinated in the winter holidays by putting tuataric acid in my candy, all for your selfish ambitions! Well, I have gone to hell, and now with my dark powers I will inflict my pain upon you! Ducks, rape this bear!"

"Not so fast, I will be the one to murder him!" said Muffy, jumping from the bushes, throwing her poison shruikens at the ducks, making them explode in a shower of avian malaria.

"GRRRR stupid monkey bitch, you will suffer ten thousand DEATHS!"

"Ah, your magical Yin powers don't work on me because I'm woman!" Muffy cackled evilly, then used her feminity to take control of the darkness and rip off his skin, make his eyes explode, rotate his phalanges until they disloged from the hands and fell off, snap his mucles, rip off his teeth and shoving them up his brain and smashing it, effectively killing the hateful hell professor once again.

"Now you're going to pay for trepassing in my business" grinned Muffy devilfully, licking her knife seductively with much pleasure.

Unfortunately for her, the acids in the blades began to decay her tongue, which melted and bubbled off in a bloody paste, as did her lips and gums. She tried to scream, but her face began to seriously decay, her facial muscles sliding off in putrid blackened beefy jerky-like triteness, her skin peeled off like banana peels and her eyes began to dismantle, the lenses falling off and the irises melting, making the sickly pus-infused vitreous humour slide down her face like tears, cleansing away the rotten flesh and revealing the pure white bone. She then fell dead, her brain evading her eardrums in a thick purple oil.

There was a knock on the door, so Buster went to open it.

"Brain!" he said happily, hugging his friend.

"Buster, I'm sorry for being an inconsiderate elitist without concern for our close emotional bond, so let us engage in frivolous satisfaction of our impulses."

"Uh?"

"I said I'm sorry and want to play video games."

And Brain ceased to be an arrogant, hubris-dominated asshole and joined the others in pursit of momentary happiness that giving in to basic emotional whims. He kissed Buster, and they had meaningless, lust-fueled sex for the rest of the night.


End file.
